Then I have the perfect solution for you! New York Magazine, or, more specifically NYMag.com, has just launched this new online shopping feature called The Strategist. It's basically a bunch of lists of amazing shit you never knew existed but need to buy immediately. LIKE LITERALLY NOW. Within three minutes of looking at the site this morning I proceeded to purchase two bottles key lime juice and a face razor for women from Japan.
It's perfect and it's going to be all our nightmares.
I just bought a $5 keychain at TJ Maxx that looks like Cher's pen (you know, THE PEN) and I've never felt happier. It's the little things, guys. Hope everyone's Wednesdays are going fabulous!
I was so excited for the premiere of Divorce. Like many a woman who spent countless high school nights back in 2003 clutching a sharp-cornered, easter-egg colored plastic Sex and the City DVD box set and daydreaming about one day living in NYC, wearing a tutu and "working in PR", I consider the indelible Sarah Jessica Parker (aka SJP, aka perfume mogul/shoe mogul/Ferris’ wife) not only a national hero but...also, like...sort of a friend? (And yes, she—okay, fine her characters—kind of annoy me sometimes, too, but let’s be honest, all our friends annoy us, and we annoy them. HERLO, IT’S CALLED FRIENDSHIP.)
But then I read the reviews of Divorce, because I’m a dork and I always read reviews, and they were all sort of….unenthused. Sort of meh. Sort-of-to-definitely cranky pants. They basically made it sound like Divorce was going to be really depressing and a total downer and that it would, like, make you feel—hypothetically—the way you would if the Republican nominee for President of the United States was caught on tape saying he enjoyed grabbing married women’s pussies and getting away with it and freaking MIKE PENCE of all people is going to have the nerve to still stand around taking long drawn-out pauses between sentences and talking about God and forgiveness and pretending that he’s okay with this shit?? (I really CAN'T with Gov. Pence. Because, yes, when stupid assclowns who are one step away from Robert Dursting their sons do sexist racist gross shit it really upsets me—duh—but what REALLY GETS ME GOING is the people around him, who SHOULD KNOW BETTER pretending it’s okay (I’m looking at you IVANKA WHY WHY WHY) ESPECIALLY when all they do is talk about how important their faith and morality are to them. Sorry Pence, but no, I don’t believe you think this is a good Christian man. Like, dude, come on.)
ANYHOW….back to Divorce! I watched it, and it’s so great! I loved it so much. So much, in fact, that I’m going to make a list about what I loved about it, because I heard that lists are cool and people like them? Like something about Buzzfeed or BJ Novak or something?
THINGS I LOVED ABOUT THE DIVORCE PILOT (duh, some vague spoilers ahead)
I was born in Massachusetts, and therefore am contractually obligated by God to be obsessed with any and all things Kennedy, and WOW, can I say I am so excited for this movie. How beautiful and chilling is this trailer? I feel more cultured just looking at the damn freeze frame. And yes Jackie looks like it's going to be hyper-super-duper stylized (it's also not a "traditional" biopic in that it takes place only over the few days following the President's assassination) but I think that's what is going to make the film so great.
In terms of Natalie Portman playing Jackie Kennedy, I think it's a genius casting move. Portman is definitely much more of a shrimp than the First Lady was, which I find a tad bit distracting but, like, whatever, because Portman definitely DOES have that intimidating I-am-so-beautiful-and-chic-and-rich-and-yet-maybe-slightly-depressed air about her that Jackie had....sorry Katie Holmes, but your crooked Ohio smile is far too joyful for these shenanigans. And that ACCENT—totally insane, yes, but all I know is that whenever I go to the JFK museum in Boston (which I obviously visit on the reg while rotating through my vast collection of pillbox hats) and hear old recordings of Jackie Kennedy speaking, she actually DOES sound like that. (All the old people be shaking their heads, like, yep, she damn sure did.) It's pretty cray. Like, whhhhy did women used to speak that way? Should it make a comeback?
"But make suuuure you get me the coooooald brew at Dunkin' Donuts dahling and not that regularrrr," she said in a bizarre girlish whisper befitting a girl of age four before tightening the silk scarf around her neck and checking Instagram with a glazed over sex look in her perfectly eye-linered eye. Is this way of speaking at least better than vocal fry? Or wait is that vocal fry? Hmm, I haven't had breakfast and now I want fries...
Whatever, the most important thing to know about the movie is that Greta Gerwig is in it, and therefore that means it actually will be perfect. And the clothes. Not to be all like that....but THE CLOTHES. That pale green dress always kills me.
Anyway, hey, it's almost the weekend!
I was getting into bed last night, quaking with anxiety over the VP debate (people interrupting each other makes me VURY comfortable) when I turned and asked my boyfriend if he'd be interested in seeing The Girl on the Train over the next few weeks.
(I read the book in a crazy daze in like 24 hours this past summer and have no absolutely no recollection if it was good or not.)
"Yeah, maybe," he replied. "Who's in it?"
"Only the world's greatest human being, Emily Blunt. And Justin Theroux-
"Justin Theroux? You know, Jennifer Anniston's husband? He's on The Leftov-
"Babe," he said, settling into bed to check the fantasy football crop circles predictions on his iPhone. "I have no idea who Jennifer Aniston's husband is."
That's funny, I thought. No idea who Jennifer Anniston's husband is! Hahaha!! I began to lean forward slightly and laugh wildly, as if I was at an InStyle party in a sequined halter dress with my very tan and black-clothes loving husband who also co-wrote Tropic Thunder and is from D.C.
Like, I'm sorry, but what? I mean, you think you know someone, and then you realize you have NO IDEA what's going on in their head, ever, and that they probably haven't ever read a single article about Jennifer Aniston in their life and have zero clue that Sia sang at her wedding and then she and J-Tha went on their honeymoon with the Batemans! Men are weird.
Hi! I'm Caroline.